THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR OUR TIME


Jennifer Hatte
Queen Bishop of Rehu-l


1. Thou shalt have no other gods before the gods of political correctness, postmodernism and materialism. Thou shalt love the last of these gods with all thine heart, and shalt pretend to love the other two equally.

2. Thou shalt not make for thyself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in the known universe. Thou mayest sculpt rock and twist metal into distorted shapes, and thou mayest daub paint on canvas, and thou mayest name these things after the name of anything in the known universe, but any likeness there shall not be. Otherwise, they shall not sell.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of any minority group in vain, neither shalt thou take the name of Jacques Derrida & Co in vain. Thou hast no need to understand anything of either.

4. Observe the sabbath day, to keep it filled with fitness-inducing leisure pursuits or income generating activity. Six days shalt thou labour and do thy work, and seven if necessary, but watch thy blood-pressure.

5. Honour those who parented thee by persuading them into the most expensive retirement village they can afford. Become not a 'carer' in thine own home, so that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the six-bedroom (two with ensuite), double-garage house which thy one true god should have provided by now if thou hast kept these commandments.

6. Thou shalt not kill except in the name of thy government or if thou hast an excellent lawyer.

7. Thou shalt not adulterate the history or culture of any minority group with outmoded Euro/phallocentrism. This will ease thy conscience so that thou mayest avoid all concrete expressions of compassion.

8. Neither shalt thou steal, unless thou art feeling particularly oppressed that day. Thou mayest, however, commit crimes galore in the name of business, government and/or if thou canst afford an excellent lawyer.

9. Thou shalt bear false witness against thy neighbour only by innuendo, unless thou workest for a newspaper with an excellent legal team.

10. Thou shalt not waste time coveting thy neighbour's spouse: go for it. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's house as much as thou likest; also his/her patio and swimming-pool, his/her au pair, his her thoroughbred race-horse, his her pedigree dog or anything that is thy neighbours. Thou shalt check out local laws carefully, however, before admitting to coveting his ass.