The reality
of fatherhood in the United States continues
to present challenges. A considerable number
of homes have no fathers. These fathers are
either divorced from their spouses, have simply
walked away or have been separated from their
children for a variety of other reasons. Whatever
the reason, fatherhood remains significant
at least at this time for progeny, and for
children's social and psychological well-being.
A very few people nationwide doubt that we
have reached a critical point in the social
understanding of the family. Many new factors
now contribute to determine the family structure.
Regardless of the nature of the new family
structure, sexual orientation does not invalidate
anyone's ability to maintain the responsibility
of fatherhood. This essay will examine some
important implications of fatherhood, and
suggests that there is hope in the father-children
relationship when family connections are maintained
and encouraged.
Misunderstanding.
A young couple from Chicago discovered they
are pregnant. I overheard their conversation
one afternoon. The male says to his partner,
"Girl you gon be a mom." She looked at him
and responded, "You ain't straight fool, you
gon be a father." About two years later, I
ran into the mother. "Where is your husband?"
She straightforwardly responded, "We split
up." I asked what happened, but she insisted,
"You do not wanna know, it's a long story."
Despite what may have happened to this couple,
it is clear that they both desired to be together
in the initial part of their journey. What
was misunderstood is the role that each had
to play in the process. The father thought
that motherhood was exciting for his partner
without including himself. The mother being
realistic reminds him of his partnership in
the process. At the end, the father leaves
her with the child. This is usually the social
solution, that the father leaves the mother
(for any number of reasons) with a child or
children. How can we establish for the father
that leaving the mother with a child or children
does not constitute a reasonable solution
to their social well-being? What constitutes
a viable solution?
Fatherhood
is a biogenetic reality. When we think
of biogenetics, the idea of biomedical research,
in vitro fertilization, cloning, gene splicing
and alteration, etc., predominate. Although
fatherhood can be achieved through in vitro
fertilization, the reality of fatherhood as
a progenital formality is crucial not only
to the natural life of the child, but is a
productive link in the chain of social existence.
The biogenetic reality of procreation is the
first part of father-child relationship, and
the physical social presence of the father
(assuming the presence of the mother) with
the child after birth constitutes the second
part of a number of elements that go into
the process of fatherhood. It is in the actual
consistent availability (presence) of the
father that the gradual completing of fatherhood
is enacted. Suffice it to say that we cannot
buy fatherhood or the skills to parent a child.
Neither can parenting skills be manufactured
like cars, speed boats and planes with specifications
of what we desire. And because we cannot also
exchange the responsibility of fatherhood
with surrogate parents (baby sitters, day
care centers, grandparents, and so on), actual
presence becomes imperative. Actual presence
makes it possible to acquire the general skills,
and the particular ones required for the temperament
of each child.
The biogenetic
content of fatherhood introduces natural and
emotional implications into the physical reality
of the parent-child relationship. When we
think of the very reality of the intimacy
of intercourse, the reality of conception,
inherited genetic characteristics embedded
in one's child or children (resemblance, etc.),
the natural and emotional complicity of fatherhood
takes on a new dimension. The spiritual component
of the biogeneticity of fatherhood is that
we do not now understand the billions of interactions
that eventually form the being called child.
Although these billions of interactions (fluid,
cells and chemicals) may produce a child with
certain racial qualities and born in a particular
geographic region, the requirement of the
interaction of the father working as equal
partner with the mother is crucial for every
aspect of the child's development.
Fatherhood
through artificial means. Even in situations
where fatherhood is hard to achieve, say in
the case of infertility and/or impotence.
Some men and women have been known to go as
far as trying fertility manipulation, in vitro
fertilization, and/or surrogate procreation
in order to achieve parenthood. For the father
in some of the cases, and depending on the
cultural context, a certain aspect of their
human masculinity reaches fruition. When fertility
medications, in vitro manipulation, and/or
surrogate procreational management fail, some
couples in their craving and adoring desire
to parent and nurture welcome children through
adoption. In any or all of these cases, the
actual presence of the father supporting the
mother remains extremely crucial for the social
and psychological development of children.
The
problem of illegitimacy. Many parents
who separate from each other conclude that
their child or children were conceived in
asocial contexts. They assume that nothing
legitimizes their behavior or the reality
of the child. But this type of thinking suggests
that the sexual interaction that brought the
child about was contextless and therefore
meaningless. They assume that leaving the
family will have no consequences on the mother
or the child. This position is faulty. Fatherhood
is a relationship that is determined through
a natural process that goes beyond fabricated
human norms. No matter the import of the relationship
between a couple, when there is a child involved,
the question of illegitimacy must not be considered
an operable terminology in reference to the
parents or the child. In the natural sense
of things, the notion of illegitimacy is useless
and meaningless and should never be used as
a deterrent to sever fathers from their children.
Fatherhood
is encompassing. It is natural to want
one's own child, and it is also beautiful
to appreciate children in general. This follows
that once one becomes a father, the elements
of fatherhood begin to simmer, and the potential
for nurturing and maintaining a proximate
human relationship with one's child or any
child maximizes. Fatherhood, therefore, can
raise any child no matter what the race, and
no matter where the child was born. This is
not to say that the implications of fatherhood
in cross-cultural circumstances may be more
challenging. What is most important is that
the needs of any child comes first. Diligent
fathers usually learn the different cultural
and other relevant requirements necessary
to support the child.
Fatherhood
is powerful. It is simultaneously partner
and supporter. The Roman Catholic religious
institution uses the symbolic notion of father
to refer to its priests. It signifies the
power of paternal nurturing.
Presence
is a problem for fathers in our time.
The conference on "The Role of Men in Children's
Lives" held at the Campus of Tennessee State
University on July 10, 1994, summarized it
findings thus;
1. Men are not reconciled with their own fathers.
2. Men have grown up without male mentors
and role models.
3. They have not developed the skills for
being involved.
4. There is a lack of livable resources, thus,
men are preoccupied with issues of survival
and their own usefulness.
5. There is a Lack of support from many arenas,
e.g., business, education, and personal, which
doesn't allow men to be fathers.
These
realistic obstacles can be overcome with some
effort on the part of fathers, and those who
are contemplating fatherhood, to desire and
establish consistent interaction with their
children. As well, the five points above suggest
that fathers preoccupy themselves with work
and integrity enhancement (the reality of
work translates to now mean that men must
work to maintain social status -- which usually
excludes children), social engagements, and
commitments that estrange them from their
children. The alienation process is hastened
when social institutions fail to recognize
men as parents with children. The different
institutions in which they are professionally
engaged tend to reward their services, but
consistently diminishes their roles at home.
Many businesses do not promote paternity leave.
When a working individual's wife or partner
gives birth to their child, businesses have
no sense that the child bearing process is
a shared human reality. Because of the absence
of interest on the part of businesses, men
are even afraid to ask or take leave of absence
to be with newborn children where such a privilege
exists because it may jeopardize their jobs.
Moreover, other circumstances affect fathers.
In some states, less fortunate women are cut
from social support (AFDC, or ADC) when their
husbands or male partners return home. In
order to survive, husbands and wives or partners
are forced to live apart. In many cases, permanent
separation, esconcement, giving up, and/or
divorce completes the estrangement process
from children.
Times
have Changed. Work and travel make it
easier to live on the fringes of social space.
People find differences more easily manifested
and have more resources to support their ways
of thinking. Life styles that negate social
cohesion are more readily packaged and encouraged
in the society. The reality of marriage in
its sense of male and female has also changed.
People easily bounce in and out of relationships.
There are more people willing to simply hang
out with each other without the implications
of consequences. Some of these people eventually
have children. Sadly enough, there is no sense
of what these children want either for themselves
or in their parents' lives. It is fair to
say that the loss of the spiritual dimension
of social living which galvanizes ethical
coherence has been replaced by money. Many
people consider money and its pursuit as a
primary goal over the well-being of their
children. Many unwittingly assume that the
world of toys will suffice for parental interaction
because the social scene, helped along by
myths from the television, advertising, and
friends encourages fathers to resolve their
concern about their presence at home with
material things, toys, clothes, money, cars,
etc. In addition, the loss of the importance
of education has introduced the idea of attending
schools where little attention is payed to
the details of social living that should guide
society. The reality of schooling generates
too much information anyway, and not many
people can decipher what is significant anymore.
In some circumstances, negative habits, such
as ones that propel fathers to excessively
use alcohol and drugs, can further augment
the problematic of the father-child relationship.
The
presence of Hope. Jesse Shivers, a resident
of Cabrini-Green in Chicago, Illinois is a
father of three bright children. He works
hard, takes care of his children, makes sure
that they all function very well as a family.
Shivers is one of several diligent fathers
who point us in a positive direction. In addition,
the presence of the computer and the Internet
makes work at home an outstanding possibility.
The information highways, faxes, cell phones,
and portable carry along computers, already
make work placement at home for many fathers
an option. Fathers can stay at home with their
children while being professionally engaged.
But care must be exercised to ensure that
children receive the required attention.
Things
to think about. Fathers must diminish
some of their overloaded engagements. Instead
of spending so much time in several organizations
as board members, or trying to do so many
things, fathers will be more successful with
their children when limited to a few significant
activities. Fathers must start believing that
there are other people who perform as well,
and must be willing to leave some of their
work to others for the sake of the academic
and social development of their children.
The youth
who once told me, "I don't really spend time
with my father because he is working or something"
generally agrees with the conclusion from
so many studies on the implications of the
absence of fathers: that many children are
maladjusted socially, emotionally, and educationally.
Society
does not have all the answers, and for that
reason, research must reach further than just
the social reality of the United States. We
must look at and to other cultures, such as
Africa, Asia, Latin America, etc., to find
new ways to augment and maintain the importance
of the father in the home.
The search
for a better parent-children education may
be done in several ways. Through parent group
meetings, through some of our schools or simply
through dedicated agencies, parents and children
can learn how to interact with each other.
They can learn how to appreciate each other,
how to be there for each other, and how to
consistently support each other.
In addition,
successful fathers should engage young men
and show them what fatherhood is mostly about.
It is mostly about relationship building,
nurturing and support.
The continued
womenizing of the places that take care of
children, day care centers, social service
centers, and so on must be refocused to include
men in the caring for children. Men must be
included in these places if children are to
see them and recognize them as nurturing parents
who are equally capable of several roles other
than the traditional role of daddy the money
maker. Only recently have some restaurants,
supermarkets, libraries, and malls provided
baby changing stations in men's restrooms.
These stations are still predominantly limited
to women's restrooms.
As much
as there is the important need to generate
relevant important programs that support fathers
to get involved in their children's lives,
we must also begin to educate legal systems
and the general society to install the holistic
perspective of the father. The legal system
for instance, only sees the father as one
who must be hunted down to pay child support.
If the father can't pay, he is usually locked
up. There are no significant options put in
place to encourage father-child or children
interaction.
Moreover,
the development of trust helps to build trust
with other families. This is important since
there is so much alienation between families.
When fathers feel trusted by their neighbors
and the society, running or child-neglect
may not be their only option in terms of their
response to family problems. They can engage
other families in searching for resolutions
to problems.
Negotiation
is a dead art in the society. It must be re-introduced.
It helps in conflict resolution in the family.
Couples must constantly negotiate and work
out the details that will translate into support
for their children. We desire and crave for
policies that can moderate the behavior of
businesses and work systems to reward parental
involvement with families and children. Research
shows that when fathers are positively present
in children's lives, the child or children
do better at school and are socially and psychologically
healthier and happier. To maintain this well-being
for children, we must encourage and support
couples to constantly work on their relationships
while also negotiating for family time every
now and then with their employers.
Keep in
mind that it takes an entire community, village,
and/or town to raise a child. This concept
is African. Fathering in Africa is communal.
No child goes about without being supported,
challenged or nudged to remain responsible
and ethical at all times. Everyone is responsible
for the child.
In the
United States, the individual defines his
or her norms. Individuality is important,
but exercised in extreme is destructive. For
example, the community comes to the child
through the television which legitimizes everything
under the sun. Unfortunately, parents (father
mostly absent) let these program teach their
children. Children then prepare their appetite
for the kinds of options that we see them
make everyday, which include violence, school
drop out, disrespect, runaway, devaluation
of life, and so on. Here the individual (in
most cases the mother without the equal support
of the father, other families, and community
members) attempts to raise the child, and
this approach is metastasized into full blown
social pathology.
Fathers
are important in children's lives. While
the process of fatherhood is an on-going learning
process (meaning that there is no reference
package to resolve periodic problems automatically),
the actual presence of the father in the home
is the only way to maintain the role of positive
and educative examples in terms of understanding
the role of masculinity. Children learn the
role of masculinity, sexuality, cultural articulation,
relationship with women (mother), and for
the female child, relationship with masculinity,
family, and social cohesion. Also, they
gain some sense of ethics and morality and
the significance of respect for the sacred
(spiritual, the human being, people, children,
other living and none living things, etc.).
The father-child interaction is so important
that day care centers, if they must be representative
of a solid atmosphere of learning, caring
and proper support, must include in their
staff, a good balance of male and female caretakers.
Children are impressionable, and they quickly
see and imbibe the interactions between women
and men working together and taking care of
them. It is a myth that only the woman knows
how to take care of children. Men have a natural
propensity to do these things, and the same
society that pushes them away must re-incorporate
them to re-engage what they have been doing
for generations. We must discourage the society
from driving a wedge between women and men
when it comes to caring for children.
As much
as professional work is important, the father
must maintain a consistent social and emotional
presence. Two perspectives are always better
than one. And it is important for children
to watch some of the ways two parents or partnering
adults resolve conflicts. The presence of
the father makes that especially important
because a decent, caring and sensitive father
will model some of the ways the child needs
for future interactions with the masculine
as well as the feminine world.
Misconceptions
to avoid. It is important for everyone
to discard the idea that fathers can't care
as much as mothers do and therefore fathers
do not have patience for, and can't teach
little children. As well, it is not true that
fathers generally find it easy to leave everything,
including nurturing, up to the woman, and
only show up as disciplinarian or money makers.
No research has proven that nurturing is underdeveloped
in fathers or that fathers are great or bad
depending on their social class, race or education.
Moreover, it is deceiving to hold that a great
salary makes a great father or that the father
is the bread winner who must always leave
home to forage for money. It is equally senseless
to assume that fathers who stay at home with
their children are weak, incompetent and non-competitive.
Finally, to accept that fathers can't change
diapers, give baths to infants, and that children
only cry to mothers is insensitive to the
fathers who do this everyday.
______________________
Essay
Posted December 12, 1997
Copyright
© 1997
All rights reserved.