SINGLETON'S CONTRIBUTION TO MULTICULTURAL EDUCATION

Now, I want it understood that I was born in Alabama. And when I say Alabama, I don't mean some namby-pamby upper middle-class Whiskeypalian home in Montgomery. When I say Alabama I mean a dirt farm in Lowndes County. So any politically correct people who want to save my culture of origin from my humor will kindly just go back to the home page and find something else to mull over.

The struggle for equality and dignity has been a long and difficult one. Nevertheless, various gender, racial and other groups in the United States have received the protection of law against those who would bar their access to full participation and deny the basic dignity of their human worth.

YET, there is one group which, in spite of the invaluable contribution it has made to this nation in times of war and peace, is the recipient of the most vile, demeaning and continuous degradation in the annals of American History: the Red-Neck. We are the one group that has been and continues to be the target of humor. From Al Capp to that race traitor, Brett Butler, we have been accused of sub-human mentality and behavior. In college class rooms across the country, we have been systematically and unfairly stereotyped in sociology, history and literature courses. One only has to mention the Jukes, Scopes or Tobacco Road to get a cheap laugh at our expense.

THEREFORE, we make the following non-negotiable demands, which, if not met, will result in increased enrollment at this so-called institution of higher education by those of us you have vilified. We will see how well suave, sophisticated, Northern professors perform when faced with a sea of angry Red-Necks!

1. YOU WILL STOP USING THE RED-NECK AS THE UNIVERSAL STANDARD OF INANE CULTURE.

2. YOU WILL STOP USING OUR LEGITIMATE EXPRESSIONS OF CULTURAL SOLIDARITY, SUCH AS THE KU KLUX KLAN, AS EXAMPLES OF "CORN-PONE" TERRORISM. YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THEM AS BEING AS LEGITIMATE AS SIMILAR EXPRESSIONS OF CULTURAL SOLIDARITY FOUND AMONG OTHER POPULATIONS.

3. YOU WILL STOP USING THE EXPRESSION CORN-PONE AT ALL. YOU YANKEES DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CORN-PONE IS.

4. YOU WILL CEASE YOUR ASSAULT, THROUGH THE THINLY DISGUISED CAMPAIGN TO REDUCE OR ELIMINATE SUBSTANCES SUCH AS SUGAR AND FAT THAT ARE BASIC AND PLENTIFUL IN OUR CENTRAL CUISINE, AND WHICH ARE LEGITIMATE CULINARY EXPRESSIONS OF OUR CULTURE. PECAN PIE, YES! BEAN SPROUTS, NO!

5. YOU WILL INSTITUTE COURSES TEACHING THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF OUR CULTURE AND OUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO AMERICAN HISTORY. SUCH COURSES WILL BE A MANDATORY PART OF THE GENERAL EDUCATION CURRICULUM AND WILL BE TAUGHT ONLY BY THOSE OF RED-NECK HERITAGE AND ONLY BY THOSE WITH A RED-NECKCENTRIC ORIENTATION.

6. YOU WILL DISCIPLINE ALL FACULTY AND STUDENTS NOT OF RE-NECK HERITAGE WHO USE EXPRESSIONS SUCH AS "SHO' 'NUFF," "HONEY 'CHILE," AND "AH DO DECLA-UH."

7. YOU WILL DETERMINE THE PROPORTION OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES THAT IS OF RED-NECK ORIGIN AND TAKE IMMEDIATE STEPS TO INSURE THAT THE PROPORTION OF THE STUDENT BODY AND FACULTY OF RED-NECK ORIGIN REFLECTS THE NATIONAL CONFIGURATION. GIVEN THAT WE HAVE, AS A GROUP, ACHIEVED A LOWER LEVEL OF EDUCATION AND HAVE PARTICIPATED IN 20TH-CENTURY CULTURE FOR A SHORTER PERIOD OF TIME THAN ANY OTHER GROUP OF AMERICANS, THIS IS A MANDATORY STEP TOWARD FULL INCLUSION.

8. YOU WILL PROVIDE BIBLE-BASED ALTERNATIVES TO SATANIC STATE MANDATED SECULAR HUMANIST SCIENCE COURSES, WHICH ASSAULT OUR CULTURE AT EVERY TURN.

9. YOU WILL INCORPORATE THE BIRTHDAY OF TOM WATSON, HUEY LONG, OR SOME OTHER RED-NECK SO THAT WE MAY HAVE APPROPRIATE ROLE-MODELS FROM OUR OWN CULTURE. WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ROBERT E. LEE OR ANY OTHER ELITIST NON-RED-NECK SOUTHERNER. INDEED, REGION IS NOT THE KEY VARIABLE, IMPORTANT AS IT IS. WE RECOGNIZE MOST WHITE ETHNIC LABORERS AS FELLOW RED-NECKS, AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT CATHOLICS, JEWS, LUTHERANS, OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ALIEN RELIGIONS.

10. YOU WILL REFRAIN FROM REFERRING TO OUR LEGITIMATE CULTURAL CHOICES AS RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY. WE ARE SIMPLY MAINTAINING THE INTEGRITY OF OUR OWN CULTURE.

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RED-NECK STUDIES PROGRAM SCHEDULE OF COURSES

ART 231 TOPICS IN RED-NECK VERNACULAR ART
An intensive study of the form and function of yard cars as lawn sculpture and expression of culture. Particular attention will be given to a comparison with the artistic use of yard cars in other neo- and paleo-peasant cultures.

BIO 362 POSITIVE ASPECTS OF IN-BREEDING
A review of recent research from the Yazoo Institute of Technology and Family Cohesion.

ESC 284 SCIENTIFIC HOAXES OF THE RECENT PAST
This course will systematically dismiss scientific hoaxes from 1859 to the present. The required text for the course will be Billy-Jo Buddy-Bob Watkins, Six Days, By God!

GEO 379 GEOGRAPHIC SIGNIFICANCE OF RED CLAY
The course title says it all.

HIST 332 HISTORY OF THE SOUTH: A VIEW FROM THE SWAMPS
This course is a revisionist approach to Southern History. We will begin by surveying the existing literature which gives disproportionate attention to elites and slaves at the expense of Red-Necks. We will then move to a discussion and analysis of sources from which we may begin to construct the true History of the South.

JUD 101 OLD TESTAMENT FOR RED-NECK FUNDAMENTALISTS
The Hebrew scriptures, divested of their Jewishness and re-cast in a TRULY Christian way.

LIN 287 SOCIO- AND PSYCHO-LINGUISTIC CONSIDERATIONS OF RED- NECK CULTURE
An exploration of the communal and emotional functions of five hour conversations about the weather, polite indirection, and repetitive phrases such as "Boy 'howdy."

MUS 321 THE CULTURAL ORIGINS OF BLUE GRASS
An analysis of the Celtic origins of the modal melodies and depressive themes of Blue Grass music, and a historical account of the influence of that music on the adultery, death, and socio-pathology themes which dominate Country-Western music.

PHL 231 PHILOSOPHICAL FOUNDATIONS OF RED-NECK CULTURE
An exploration of the philosophical benefits of pre- occupation with adultery, death and socio-pathology.

PYS 000 PHYSICS? PHYSICS? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING PHYSICS!

PSY 146 I'M FEELIN' POORLY/YOU'RE FEELIN' POORLY: FOUNDATIONS OF RED-NECK AFFECT
The course is limited to Red-Necks. We will explore our poorly fellin's.

SOC 390 RED-NECK SOCIAL THEORY
We will explore the various Marxist and Re-Neckcentric theories, constantly asking whether Red-Neck culture is a specific manifestation of rural poverty, or whether it soooo-eeeee generis.